The Beginning! Yes, it's long!

A week ago today, I started a new journey in life...

To get in shape and lose weight...

I really don't have an exact weightloss goal, but I'd like to lose roughly 30 pounds. I'm going to be completely honest in this blog and put at hard facts that I am embarrassed about, but that is part of this journey! Some of this, may come as a shock to a lot of you.

On Tuesday, Dec 1, 2009, I weighed 179 pounds and wore a size Large shirt and 13 jeans and a 36 D bra. For some people this is hard to believe. I get a lot of "OMG" there is NO WAY you weigh that much. I've actually gotten that most of teen year and now early adult years. Even when I weighed 130, nobody believed me.

Now for a moment, I'm going to back away from the present and speak about factors that could have assisted in my weight gain. Four in a half years ago, I was in college at LSSU and weighed 125 pounds and wore a size 3 or 5 jeans, depending on brand and usually a small, or even extra small shirt sometimes and wore a 32 B bra.

For a long time, I struggle with Anxiety issues and Depression, but I never knew it until my first year at college. I did so many things that were NOT who I am. Eventually, I turned to drinking a lot, skipping class and not getting out of bed. I didn't care about much. After my first year, a letter came in the mail stating I had been "Academically Dismissed". Now, for you all that have known me through school years, you know that is not me. I was an A and B student...an occasional C and I did take hard classes and honor classes. When I got home for the Summer, I told my Mom something was not right with me at all. I couldn't put a finger on it, but I wanted to see a Psychologist.

I was nervous to see her, but I went. She was a great person to talk to and she did many tests and came up with a diagnosis she called, Dysthymia. We spoke about my life, from years back when I was a young child to the present, which was then 2006. Everything started to make sense to me and I figured if I continued speaking to someone, all my problems would be solved...WRONG!

When I went back to LSSU the next fall, I continued to speak to someone. Yes, I was accepted back into school because it had been documented that I had a legitimate problem. I know some people don't believe in Mood Disorders, but trust me, they exist and this was only the beginning. Anyways, I decided it was time to see a doctor and discuss medication, which I didn't want, but I was feeling terrible and did not know what to do! I went to see my doctor at LSSU and she prescribed me Prozac. Prozac was a miracle drug. Within just a couple weeks, there was a tremendous difference in myself. I could tell and others could even just hear it in my voice over the phone. I was motivated again and peppy. I was on top of the world. That though, is when the pounds started to add on.

I'd gain 5 here, 5 there and lose some and gain a few more. I was on the cheerleading team, which wasn't the greatest, but we did some good workouts. I was working out on a consistent basis and I never have had a terrible diet, but yes, I do like my sweets and junk every so often. During this time, I also was pledging a sorority. Those girls did more for me than I can explain or even begin to tell them. It was nice for once to be around a bunch of girls who were just like me! They accepted me and for once in my life I felt accepted. Through all my other school years, I never felt accepted, but that's besides the point and I'm starting to get off track. I decided to quit the cheerleading team. There was too much going on and it was conflicting with friendships, school work and my sorority life. But still, I continued to work out with a few friends and kept it up. I started to creep up in weight and pants size and just couldn't understand. I started at that point wondering if it was the Prozac or Birth Control, or a mixture, since I was doing everything else right.

I decided not to return to LSSU after that year. I continued Prozac and moved to South Carolina with my dad and go to school there at either USC of Aiken or Aiken Tech. Well, all of that fell through and is another story as well. In the mean time, my Prozac dosages kept getting adjusted because I felt it wasn't doing anything anymore and by this time, I had put on over 30 pounds in 1 year. I felt DISGUSTING! I finally took myself off the Prozac, which is not advised, but I did it gradually. Still, I felt terrible!

I lived in SC for about 6 months and moved back to Michigan. I was very depressed still and went to see my doctor in Monroe. He said I was just lazy and did not need any medication and that I had no idea what I was talking about. Needless to say, that was the last time I EVER went to see that asshole. Months went by, I worked full time and went to school for my CNA certification. I felt terrible about myself, my boyfriend, who is now my husband, was deployed to Iraq and I had no time for myself. My Anxiety shot through the roof and I was a mess. I gained about another 2o pounds. There were so many times I wanted to purge everything I ate or starve myself, but I knew deep inside, that isn't the way to go. Yet, I just never had time to do ANYTHING! If I wasn't working or in class, I was EXHAUSTED! TOTALLY EXHAUSTED! I saw a doctor soon after and was put on Xanex, which did absolutely NOTHING!

I know a lot of this has nothing to do with my main point, but I just feel like I need to go through it all for my own sake.

In Jan of 2008, I went to a OBGYN for my annual. I had precancerous cells, so that added extra stress and had a biopsy done. We decided to wait it out and see where I was at in 3 months, no more bad cells. I started working out at Curves. It helped me gain confidence and althought I didn't lost much weight the first month, I could feel a difference in my body, but I gave up...not smart! Still, I was working a lot, and John was coming home for R&R soon, so I as incredibly anxious! He came home, we got engaged and he went back. After he went back to Iraq, I decided to get off my birth control, which was HELL! During this time, I was so sick, I lost 15 pounds My doctor and OBGYN decided it was a hormonal withdrawl. My regular doctor also decided to try me on Lexapro and Klonopin. Lexapro made my anxiety worse, so he switched me to Effexor...BIG MISTAKE. Effexor made me very sick again. Once all this was over, I gained the 15 pounds back, plus 5 more. I stayed on Klonopin. John came home in NOV of 2008 and we got married and moved and bought a house....more stress. I'd really hate to see what my Cortisol levels are, which I plan on getting tested in 2 weeks....

In Jan 2009, I arrived in Kentucky. I found a doctor who has tried me on Zoloft, that shit should be taken off the market. Cymbalta came next. When I started Cymbalta, I was also starting a diet and work out regimen. The Cymbalta made me nauseated and I was not able to eat much. I lost quite a few inches and about 15 pounds quickly. I was not working much, so I wasn't too stressed and had the time. All of a sudden, I was working a lot and put my health to the back burner. I am always incredibly stressed out, and I know that does not help!

As time passed, I realized I also had TERRIBLE allergies. I was referred to an Allergist and had a test done. Out of the 60 allergens I was tested for, I was allergic to 53, which made me a prime candidate for Immunotherapy, along with mediciation. My medication list is long and it's not a necessity to put in here, but I'm going to because maybe someone can help me get some answers and I sort of am doing this blog so I can keep up with myself:
Cymbalta-Depression and Anxiety
Klonopin-Anxiety
Certrizine-Allergies
Singulair-Allergies
Astepro-Nasal Antihistimine, Allergies
Omeprazole-Acid Reflux (hmm, does the weight possibly have a factor in this?)
Nasonex-Nasal Steroid, Allergies
Zatidor- Eye Allergies
And weekly Allergy shots (Immunotherapy)
I had been back on birth control also from Dec-Aug. Since then, I have been so irregular and miserable as well, but there's not a dang thing I can do.

I just can't stand the way I look anymore and feel like a fat elephant. I know it could be worse, but compared to what I used to look like, it's just WOW! Now actually, I do not want to go back to my pre college weight. I look at pics of me from highschool and I think I look sickly. I was about 115-120 in high school. I have to do something to get moving and look good again. My husband thinks I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am, and I like my boobs lol. But I want to feel good about myself and I want to be completely healthy again...

So here is how I measured up today....I weighed 176, lost 5.5 total inches(waist, hips, calves, thighs, arms). I am using Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, I've heard great things. It is a tought workout, but totally worth it! If anyone has any tips, advice, comments, or support, PLEASE leave me whatever you have to say, but please try not to be nasty. I know some people can be so hateful, and I don't need that negativity in my life!

Thanks for reading. I weight and measure on Tuesdays, so look for new entries mostly on Tuesdays...although, there my be a few in between.